STARRING: Mark Gregory, Henry
Silva, Valeria D'Obici, Giancarlo Prete, Paolo Malco, Ennio Girolami
1983, 89 Minutes, Directed by:
Enzo G. Castellari
horrendously bad Italian rip-off of Escape from New York
and The Warriors.
Our baby-faced hero, the
prophetically-named “Trash”, is the leader of a motorbike gang called the
Riders, one of the many gangs who now rule a lawless Bronx of the “future” 1990
(the movie was made in 1982).
One day Snake, er, we mean
Trash, rescues a young woman from a rival gang called “the Zombies” who dress
like a sci-fi segment of the Icecapades, except for their white-painted Nazi
storm trooper helmets and the fact that they are all on roller-skates wielding
hockey sticks instead of ice skates.
The woman turns out to be the hereditary CEO of a huge weapons-manufacturing corporation who for some reason prefers
slumming with dangerous outlaw bikers instead of living a life of corporate
privilege. We all have phases like that sooner or later in one’s life, one
supposes. Soon the company sends a mercenary (Vic Morrow) to rescue (or is that
kidnap her?). Or something like that. Whatever passes as the plot spends a lot
of time meandering about aimlessly and while the dialogue has lots of
four-letter words, the movie has surprisingly little violence and no nudity
whatsoever when it comes to the exploitation stakes.
The preposterous costumes worn
by the various gangs are the worst thing about 1990: Bronx Warriors. One group’s
outfits are inspired by Alex’s Droogs in A Clockwork Orange
- except they, um, tap dance. A lot. Another wear pastel-colored zoot suits.
Trash’s own gang looks like gay clubber refugees from Al Pacino’s Cruising,
which gives the movie a weird homosexual undertone in particular during a
melodramatic death scene involving Trash and a Freddy Mercury look-alike.
Just as bad is actor Mark
Gregory as the hero Trash who walks funny throughout the entire movie, leading
one to suspect that his jeans are too tight. Or that maybe he had a bet with
some of the other cast members that he can a keep a carrot clasped up his bum
throughout the entire duration of the shoot.
The most surprising thing about
1990: Bronx Warriors is that it was actually filmed in New York (but in
Brooklyn, not the Bronx as its title might imply).
The movie’s tagline (“A Heavy
Metal Journey Into An Urban Hell Where Everything Was Done Wrong!”) is eerily
prescient. It’s make-your-eyes-roll-in-your-head bad. Avoid.