ARTICLE: SCI-FI MOVIES WE DO NOT WANT TO SEE
If we had wanted to see the same movie more than once, then we would buy that movie on
video and re-watch it whenever the fancy strikes us, not shell out several bucks at the
local multiplex. Only a few worthwhile sequels which have ever seen the light of the
projector, and were not really all that willing to see which new ones might
fall into such a category. Enough already!
EXAMPLES: The Sixth Element, Jurassic Park III (The Lost World was
bad enough!), Still Lost In Space, Terminator III, etc.
POSSIBLE EXCEPTIONS: The Star Wars Prequels, Star
NO MORE MONSTERS IN OUTER SPACE OR WHERE-EVER!
The In Space No-One Can Hear You Snore genre made a comeback after the
unexpected commercial success of horror movies like Scream and Alien
rip-offs like The Relic and Species. Predictable to the bone: take a small group of
people, let them be chased around through darkly lit corridors by slimy monsters jumping
from the shadows and going boo, let everybody except dogs, kids and famous
movie stars die along the way a bit like those disaster movies.
EXAMPLES: The Relic II, Mimic II, Species III, Beyond the
Event Horizon, etc.
POSSIBLE EXCEPTIONS: An Aliens movie in which the earth
is invaded by said nasties . . .
NO MORE REMAKES!
At some stage the yanks decided that what we wanted to see was remakes of French
movies. Wrong! We already saw the French movies and as sure as heck didnt want to
see any inferior remakes. Listen, with home video we can watch old movies any time we
want. Plus, there is a reason why these movies are called classics
cause they cant be imitated. Especially when the tendency in Hollywood is to
strip a story of whatever made it special in the first place and add a layer or
superficial special effects and a loud soundtrack. No! We do not think that Forbidden Planet needs either of the two!
And in the end, do you really want to be plagued by a vague sense of déjà vu whilst
sitting in a darkened theatre thinking to ourselves: I have seen this somewhere,
EXAMPLES: Fahrenheit 451 (actually being remade by Mel
Gibson of all people), Fantastic Voyage (also said to be in
development), King Kong (also in development sigh!),
POSSIBLE EXCEPTIONS: Okay, maybe Fantastic Voyage. Those special effects
and sets were really bad . . .
NO MORE SUPERHEROES!
After the damned awful Batman & Robin, who can blame us?!
Big muscled men in skin-tight uniforms wearing their underwear on top belongs to the pages
of comic books, S&M magazines or the local mental asylum not the big screen.
Besides, the odds are that Joel (Batman Forever) Schumacher
would be involved in whatever comes our way . . .
EXAMPLES: Batman Redux, Superman Regurgitated, Re-Spawned
POSSIBLE EXCEPTIONS: A Superman movie directed by Tim (the original Batman movie, Mars Attacks!) Burton with a
screenplay by Kevin (Clerks, Chasing Amy) Smith. No Nicholas Cage! Please,
the man has a seriously receding hairline and will look dumber than Sean Connery in a
hairpiece . . .
NO MORE ADAPTATIONS OF MICHAEL CRICHTON NOVELS!
Chrichton's literary output seems comprise a single plot: that of a small group of
people confronted by unknown force - the staple diet of many a Star Trek episode -
and Congo, Jurassic Park, The Lost World, Sphere, etc.
EXAMPLES: Oops! Sorry, but it would seem that by dragging Eaters of the Dead
(filmed as The 13th Warrior) out of obscurity that Hollywood has run out
of Michael Crichton novels to film . . . for now . . .
POSSIBLE EXCEPTIONS: Not applicable.
NO MORE SEQUELS TO VIDEO MOVIES THAT NO-ONE HAS
SEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!
You know what Im referring to: the movies you have to sift through on your local
videostores shelves to get to the good stuff. Movies so unbelievably cheap and
shoddy that they were made especially for the video market without any hope - ever!
of it making the big screen. Such blatant rip-offs that you can immediately see from which
big screen main stream movie it stole its, ahem, ideas. Who watches this crap? Somebody
must because every once in a while youll see sequels to movies youve
never even heard of!
EXAMPLES: Nemesis 3, Critters 5, Mars 2, Within the Rock
POSSIBLE EXCEPTIONS: None. Smaller budgets sometimes mean greater creativity for
the film-makers some of the most original and entertaining work in sci-fi (like A Boy and His Dog and Dark Star) was done
on minuscule budgets, but these straight-to-video flicks dont even fall in the
so bad, its actually good category . . .
NO MORE MOVIES BASED ON OLD (AND CURRENT) TV
Ever since The Brady Bunch and Mission Impossible struck gold at the box
office, the trend in Hollywood has been bringing movies based on old TV shows
to the big screen. Thus we have seen Lost In Space and will later this year see The
Avengers and My Favourite Martian.
What is wrong with this approach?
- The movies dont remotely resemble the TV shows that supposedly inspired them!
- The TV shows werent that hot in the first place!
- If the show was hot, then Hollywood will make a mess out of the movie.
- Some TV shows are so old that the films target audience doesnt remember it
at all! (How many of thousands of ten-year-olds who saw the Lost In Space movie can recall
the TV series with great nostalgia?)
- Send-ups are usually in order but then you always get the people who remember the
show with undue fondness.
- Non-fans are completely lost.
- Some of the shows belong to the confines of the TV screen where you can flip channels
without regretting the money you shelled out to see it on the big screen.
See? A veritable minefield. Sure, making movies out of TV shows has in-built audience
and hey, Hollywood has to make a living as well. But how about some new original material
EXAMPLES: The Prisoner, Star Trek Voyager, Deep Space Nine,
Thunderbirds (in development), Doctor Who, Blakes 7, Red
Dwarf, any other TV show you might vaguely recall from childhood.
POSSIBLE EXCEPTIONS: Space 1999 (hey! I loved the hardware in that show and
think about how good Hollywood will do that now!), Star Trek movies featuring the Next