FINALLY, STAR WARS ON DVD (NOT REALLY . . . ) - PART TWO

Special thanks to Noel Wood for permission to use his article. This is part two of an article which originally appeared in Movie Criticism for the Retarded. You can read part one here.

So with all of this said, I'll go ahead and address the main point here: George Lucas can release all the DVD versions of his "Special (and by Special, I mean "special" in the way you describe child that drools a lot and bangs its head on doors voluntarily) Edition" he wants, and he won't get a dime from me for 'em. There are tons of people excited about this release announcement, but I ain't one of them. I'll stick with my VHS copies of the original trilogies. I think I have enough copies of them to get me through a few decades.

RING AROUND THE EXPLODING PLANETS
Digital enhancements can be a plus, but they can also make you roll your eyes. Take, for instance, the destruction of Princess Leia's home planet of Alderaan in A New Hope. I was perfectly content with the old-fashioned explosion from the original trilogy, but Lucas said "that ain't good enough". In the Special Editions, he enhanced this explosion with a shock wave ring blasting away from the planet. You probably said to yourself, "Where have I seen that before?" I'll tell you where: Star Trek VI, when the Klingon moon Praxis gets blown up. The day that Lucas starts lifting ideas from Star Trek movies is the day he first starts showing signs of being creatively bankrupt. Lucas wasn't content just to use the effect on Alderaan, either. Both Death Stars being blown up were given the same effect.

WINDOWS IN BESPIN
As we move on to The Empire Strikes Back, we see the film least altered of the trilogy. The reason behind this is simply because it's the superior film of the trilogy to begin with. There were a few minor alterations, though, one being the "new and improved" Cloud City on Bespin. Particularly, the addition of windows within the city to allow for more views of the colorful backdrop. Now, I'm not totally against the idea of adding these windows, but if you're going to do it, at least try and maintain a modicum of continuity. The windows have a "now you see it, now you don't" thing going on, where they appear and then disappear within seconds.

LUKE SCREAMS AS HE FALLS
Like I said, Empire has fewer changes made to it, but this one's a doooozy. You see, there's this huge scene at the film's climax where Darth Vader reveals to Luke Skywalker his true identity. Luke, knowing that his father has been consumed by evil, refuses to join him. In fact, he'd rather take his chances leaping into the unknown than join his father. Or, at least, that's how it was in the original trilogy. In the Special Edition, Luke slips. At least that's what the distressed scream he lets out as he falls would have you believe. Either way, it kills the momentum of the scene as dead as Alec Guinness.

THE NEW MAX REBO BAND SONG
The song performed at Jabba's Palace by Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band in the original Star Wars editions, entitled "Lapti Nek", is utterly cheesy. And frankly, that's the way us Star Wars fans like it. We love the Muppety™ special effects and the goofy song with the chorus that sounds like it's going "Aaaaabe Vigoda!" over and over again. We like the three-piece band consisting of the funny elephant guy on synthesizer, the lumpy guy with the flute, and the long-lipped singer chick with exposed alien boobies. We don't need no Computer-generated dancing and screaming hairy thing joining in on vocals. We don't need no 27-piece orchestra backing them up. We don't need no new song called "Jedi Rocks". We don't need no steeenking Vaudeville numbers in our Star Wars movies, thankyouverymuch.

THE SARLACC HAS A BEAK
Am I grasping at straws here? Perhaps. I mean, the addition of a mouth to the creature that dwells in the Great Pit of Carkoon doesn't seem like a big deal in the long run, but it was one of the things I really had to shake my head at when I first saw it. Part of what made the Sarlacc monster so menacing was the fact that you couldn't really tell what was in that pit. There were tentacles to pull you in, but it was just this huge mysterious gaping hole that had no visible end. The idea of being slowly digested by the Sarlacc's digestive juices, as described by C-3PO, is much more chilling than being snapped in half by a beak. Again, it may seem like a nitpick, but it's a perfect example of adding things where they just weren't necessary. And because I didn't have anywhere else to put it, I'd also like to use this spot to mention how fucking retarded it was to change Han Solo's cool line "It's all right. Trust me. Don't move" into the ridiculous "It's all right. I can see a lot better." The smart-assed Han Solo is toned down even at the point where our hero's fate seems to be sealed.

NEW EWOK SONG
As much as Star Wars fans bitch about the Ewoks, we realize that they are indeed unavoidable. And over the years, we've come to enjoy our little victory celebration song at the end of the trilogy. Sing it with me: Yub-yub, ee-cha, yub-yub. So what the hell do they do in the Special Editions, but replace the song with some stupid Yanni-sounding New Age thing that, if at all possible, sucks worse than the original Ewok song ever dreamed of sucking. I think what cheeses me off the most is that they took the time and effort to delete the Ewok song, why not just delete the Ewoks altogether? If you're gonna change things, at least change the things that need to be changed.

UPDATE: According to G Joseph Evans on Amazon, the DVD set that is coming out in September of this year is NOT the same Special Editions that were released theatrically in 1997 either:

They have been "tweaked" more as well . . . and it isn't over yet. In 2007, to coincide with the 30th anniversary of the first film's release, an "Archive Edition" of all the films will be released again on DVD. So in regular George Lucas fashion, you will be expected to shell out even more big bucks to re-buy the same films . . . AGAIN. The original theatrical versions will not appear in this set either. The first three films at that point will be barely recognizable to anyone who saw the original theatrical versions when they were released as they are still in the process of "tweaking" the original trilogy to his Lucas-ness' specs. He was never happy with the original trilogy - and apparently still isn't.

DVD Journal notes the following important changes which have been made to the DVD versions:

• The "Celebration Scene" at the end of Jedi now has Gungans dancing on the rooftops, one of them shouting "Weesa free!";
• Hayden Christensen now stands alongside the "ghosts" of Yoda and Alec Guinness during the closing moments of Jedi.

Also, a writer for DVDTown had the folowing to say about a technical glitch on a forum board:

"Sharp ears have noticed that the audio mix for A New Hope is faulty. The real problem isn't the fan-boys' outrage over artistically-justifiable changes. Rather, it's the fact that John Williams's music score has been flipped in the rear channels. Simply, the front channels and the rear channels aren't aligned, so you get a distorted, criss-crossed music experience (even though the sound effects are correctly placed)."
 

A reader e-mailed the following about the availability of the original non-special edition versions on laser disc:

Just thought you would like to know since this same problem keeps showing up ever since the Star Wars DVD went on sale 9/21. First, laser discs have not gone away, there are stores with thousands of them. Second, I have the original movies without special effects or added items on laser disc.

Star Wars IV - Fox Video 5651-80
Star Wars V - The Empire Strikes Back - Fox Video 5652-80
Star Wars VI - Return of the Jedi - (Widescreen edition) CBS/Fox Video 1478-85

Why the newspapers and all the boards state that the original movies are not out except on old VHS is beyond me. People do not look into the alternatives that were out or don't do there homework on this subject very well. I am glad now I bought these used for $10 - $25 each, since no one says they exist.

Well, I'm sure that bootleg DVDs transferred from these laser discs will continue to do roaring business on e-Bay despite the release of the official DVDs . . .

If you have any related comments, suggestions or feedback then feel free to e-mail me at scifimoviepage@hotmail.com.