STARRING: Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella, Meg Foster, Billy Barty, Jon Cypher, Courteney Cox, James Tolkan

1987, 106 Minutes, Directed by: Gary Goddard

Halfway through this live action version of the popular early 1980s kiddies TV show, I wondered what I had done wrong to deserve all this pain and suffering. Did I pillage villages in a previous life? Did I decapitate their women and sell their children into slavery?

Then I realized that I was doing this to myself. All I had to do was stand up and switch off the TV (there was no remote) and simply leave like the people I was watching it with did.

Yet, I stuck it through the sight of Dolph Lundgren prancing about semi-naked like Conan the Barbarian. After a while simply I ran out of jokes about the worst 1980s hairstyles and fashions that I have seen on display in a very long time.

I stuck it through the overdone heroic symphonic music score by Bill Conti until I was battered senseless by it. Masters of the Universe was a Golan/Globus production. They made some of the worst 1980s movies ever - Superman IV or Missing In Action ring any bells? This should have warned me: this is the movie that the mad scientist in Mystery Science Theater 3000 would use on Mike Nelson and his bots.

I stuck through the bad acting (did you spot the girl from Friends?), the horrible dialogue, the laughable make-up, the sub-Return of the Jedi laser fire special effects (how on earth did they manage to get legendary effects man Richard Endlund involved in this?), the ridiculous costumes, the phony sets, the repetitive action.

Like I said, I could have stood up and switched off the TV and any point. That doesn't mean I was punished for past sins - it just means that I am a devout masochist . . .



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