STARRING: Hugh Jackman, Kate
Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, David Wenham, Shuler Hensley, Elena Anaya, Will
Kemp, Kevin J. O'Connor
131 Minutes, Directed by: Stephen Sommers
Helsing is the story of a man, engaged in an “alternative lifestyle”
relationship with three women . . .
It does not sound all that
exciting (unless you’re maybe the guy in question). That is, unless one mentions
that the trigamist being referred to is one Count Dracula, vampire lord and all
that, and that the women in question are his three “brides”.
However, being technically
dead, it only stands to reason that their offspring would be born dead as well.
Not that this seems to have deterred them in any substantial way: they have had
hundreds of the little undead tykes stashed away (hanging from the roof in
cocoons, a bit like in Aliens I suppose) in Castle
Dracula. I guess that there isn’t much to do throughout the long long centuries
being an Undead Lord of the Vampires, except, well, you know what . .
Anyway, to animate their
countless siblings (man, they must want children badly!) Count Dracula enlists
the services of one Doctor Victor Frankenstein, whose experiments with reviving
dead human flesh with large amounts of spectacular-looking electricity might
just be the ticket in reviving the hordes of hellish offspring, resembling
little flying demons. (In one scene, wave upon wave of them – reminding one a
bit of the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz – attack some Transylvanian
peasants. “And you thought we have trouble controlling our little tyke,” I
leaned over to my wife and remarked. A trip to the zoo must be hell!)
"Silly summer blockbuster fun, but not as silly nor as fun as it
could have been . . ."
plans go awry when said pesky villagers, carrying torches and pitch forks, lynch
Castle Frankenstein (I often wonder what the mortgage payments on all these
castles might be). These are during the film’s opening sequence which is filmed
in Black & White. A homage then. “Transylvania 1896” the cue card helpfully
informs one. You don’t say, I chuckled . . .
Fast forward a year. Legendary
hunter of ghouls Van Helsing (played by X-Men’s
wolverine, Hugh Jackman, in auto pilot mode) is sent off by the Vatican (!) to
kill the heretic Charles Darwin, er I mean, Count Dracula. Along the way he is
helped by a comic relief monk (“I’m just a friar actually,” he informs everyone
whenever he is about to transgress some code of Catholic practice) and the
shapely Kate Beckinsale (who played the hot vampire in Underworld and the object
of Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett’s affections in the crappy Pearl Harbor).
It would seem that Frankenstein’s monster has survived the lynch mob somehow and
might just be the key to the Count’s plans to revive his hordes of flying
siblings . . .
As you might have gathered,
Van Helsing has a rather extraordinary premise. However, it is the third
recent film in a row which had extraordinary ideas behind them, but resulted in
rather unextraordinary movie. The others were The
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and Underworld. League had
several fictional Victorian characters like the Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde Invisible
Man, Captain Nemo, Oscar Wilde’s Dorian Grey, and so forth grouping together to
fight an evil guy hanging out in a huge gothic castle. Underworld also
had its fair share of Goth mansions as werewolves battled it out with vampires.
(Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Van Helsing also features werewolves and Dr
Jekyll & Mr Hyde.)
Helsing is better than both these movies because, well, maybe I was in a
better mood. Maybe because a lot in Van Helsing is unintentionally funny (like
the over-the-top Romanian accents of Dracula’s harpies, er, wives who reminded
me of the one in Clash of the Titans). Or maybe it
was Richard Roxburgh’s overacting as Dracula as well. I don’t know. At least Van
Helsing has one good action set piece (involving a coach chase).
Typical of director Stephen
Sommers (who also did The Mummy movies) there is an overabundance of CGI
effects, a very loud soundtrack, some failed broad humor and not one moment of
originality. (The movie rips off the Indiana Jones movies, James Bond,
Francis Ford Coppola’s Dracula, spaghetti Westerns,
Batman, you name it.)
Sadly though Hugh Jackman is
criminally underutilized. He had much more screen persona and charisma in the
recent X-Men 2.
Ultimately Van Helsing
is silly summer blockbuster fun, but not as silly or as fun as it could have
been. While you’ll have a decent time watching it, you’ll probably forget ever
having seen it in a week’s time or so.
At least there are no annoying
kids (a la Mummy Returns) around this time – even those little flying
vampire kids were an improvement . . .